"Broken" My struggle with chronic depression.

    This will be the scariest and the hardest thing for me to ever share. This is my biggest struggle and my biggest insecurity, but here is MY story about MY depression.

     I have been described as a happy go lucky, fun, and bubbly person. I have an amazing husband who loves me. I have 4 beautiful, healthy children. I get the great pleasure and gift of getting to stay home with my kids full time. I grew up in a very happy home with lots of love and happiness. I grew up with a great foundation in my relationship with Jesus Christ. Despite a few in most people's lives small heartbreaks I've lived a very blessed life. None of that has stopped me from dealing with a crippling depression.
     I can look back now and see that the first time I remember feeling depressed for any length of time was in the 7th grade while being home schooled. I didn't know what I was feeling then. Just that I didn't know why I was so sad and didn't feel like myself. It only lasted a few months and I got out of it fairly easily. 

     In high school my life got flipped upside down when my mom lost her job at the church I'd grown up in. We struggled for money and had to move to a new place which meant a new school for me. I lost all my friends and felt very alone. By the end of freshman year I was in one of the worst times of depression of my life. I felt very sad all the time. I wasn't doing any of the things I use to enjoy. I stopped talking to people and I remember someone saying how shy I was (I'd never heard that before in my life.) I would stay up all night watching TV and binge eating. Then I'd sleep all day and I started skipping school. I'd always been a great student. I loved school and worked very hard on my grades. Id even gotten an academic award in middle school, but I stopped caring and started failing all my classes for not showing up. I'd never been in trouble in school before, but was now in the vice principal's office getting in school suspensions so often they threatened to send me to a juvenile delinquents center. 

     I hated myself. I hated who I'd become and couldn't remember who I even was anymore. I was depressed for almost 2 years in that dark hole where I couldn't see a light where life could get better. I started cutting myself all over the tops of my legs where no one would see it. My family felt lost on how to help me. I didn't hang out with my friends and preferred to cut myself off from everyone. I remember driving down the road hoping I'd get into a car accident and be killed. My relationship with God kept me from ever committing suicide and I'd never wanted to hurt my family like that. Although I know one time I did take a bunch of pills. I thank the Lord it didn't do anything. I just wanted the numbness and sadness to go away. I wanted to feel like myself again. Thankfully my mom got me help. In the same week my best friend moved in with me and my mom got me on antidepressants. I had a short hiccup when the first medication we tried made me go crazy where I was suicidal. Again thankfully my best friend realized what was happening and got me the help I needed and we got me on different medication that worked! After a few months on the medication combined with my best friend making me get out of the house and do things I got better!!! I was only on the depression medication for 6 months in which it leveled out the chemicals in my brain that were making me depressed. I was able to go off the medication for a few years and not have any more episodes. 

     Once I started having babies things started becoming harder for me. Pregnancy even though they were difficult pregnancies gave me happy hormones and I didn't struggle with my depression while I was pregnant, but I'd get terrible postpartum depression after they were born. I felt like I was drowning all the time. I believed I was worthless. I felt like my life was perfect, but I was the problem in my life ruining it for everyone. I struggled to do simple tasks like just getting out of bed. After I had my 3rd daughter was one of my darkest times. I'd gained 40 lbs in 4 months. I hated myself. I never left the house and didn't take care of myself at all. Forgetting to shower or brush my teeth. I remember my husband coming home after work and asking what I'd fed our 3 baby girls to which I had no answer. I had overwhelming guilt for how terrible of a mother I was being to my kids. I remember thinking everyone would be better off without me. I was a leech suckling the joy out of everyone's lives. 

     At this point I remember praying every day God please fix me and take me out of this depression! God had helped me do it before, so I knew he could do it again. God did help me get out of it, but it wasn't the way I thought he would. My husband's sister and her family moved in with us for a few months. My sister in law and I would do a devotional together several days a week. She got me out gardening and doing things again. I will forever be grateful to her for helping me, even if she didn't know that's what she was doing. I started to feel better and God taught me a lot of things about myself during this time. I ended up pregnant with my 4th and final baby shortly after I had been out of my depression for only a short time. I prayed a lot to not have postpartum depression and I did things very differently after I had my son that made big changes for me. These changes kept me from getting to that dark place again.

     I only breast fed for 6 weeks then gave it up so I could go back on my medication. I knew it would be better for my baby and my family if I wasn't depressed over him getting breast fed for longer. For me a strong extrovert I need to be around people. The more cut off I feel from people the more depressed I get. I have to make sure I'm out of the house and around people very often. I started working out and working on eating healthy.

     I thankfully haven't dealt with the extreme depression since 2013, but I do struggle keeping it at bay. There are times I still get depressed, but if I start feeling depressed I try to as quickly as possible do all the things I know I need to, to stay healthy. Like I know that any changes bad and even good changes tends to make me feel depressed so I watch for it and make sure I'm on top of all the things I need to be doing to keep it short term or at bay completely. Depression for me is a chemical problem in my brain so I have to take medication that helps me. Depression for me is like a monster that wants to keep me down. There are times I will feel depressed and it's like part of me doesn't want to get better. I mean obviously I want to be happy and healthy, but pulling myself out of the darkness is super hard. There are times I struggle to even take my medication, like there is some part of me working against myself. I think staying depressed is easier, but life like that is wasted. 

     Recently I have struggled more with my depression. I lost someone very close to me and my husband switched to working a night shift which leaves me almost a single parent during the week. Between the struggle of taking on the task of 4 young kids alone and having my nighttime be something I dread instead of look forward to. It's hard for me to reach out to others and say I need help. I have an amazing family that steps up for me when I do. They will let me come just play games at night with them or just sit and talk to me on the phone so I don't feel quite so alone. Evan is now back to 1st shift and will be home at nights again. I'm going to have to stay on top of my medication and make sure I'm being active on all the other steps I need to take, but I know this will be a short term depression and I'm going to be alright.

     I'm sharing this deeply personal and embarrassing part of life in hopes of helping someone else struggling with depression. I'd kept quiet about my depression for fear of people passing judgement or pushing their ideas of how I need to "fix" myself. I've felt like my depression made me less than other people and a "broken" person. I worried people would say what do you have to be depressed about? Other people have it so much worse. 

     I'm putting my fears aside, because I wish I could tell high school depressed Kristy that things do get better! That if those pills had worked you wouldn't get to experience all the amazing things God had in store for you! Only a short time after you wished for a car accident to take your life, you met the love of your life who makes you laugh every day and loves you even at your worst. You would have missed your amazing kids that make every day worth living and give you so much purpose. I wish I could go and tell myself during my worst postpartum depression when I believed God got it wrong in giving me so much blessings that God doesn't make mistakes. That I am and was always worthy of all the gifts God gave me! 

     That is why I'm going to tell you right now. Depression doesn't have to last forever! Get help whatever that looks like for you. Tell a friend, family member, teacher, or Doctor. You can and WILL get better! God has not forgotten about you or abandoned you. He wants to help you get better, but that doesn't always look the way we think it should. Ask for help and keep pushing for a better life! I am proof that you can get through this and God has so much more in store for you!

Special thanks to my best friend growing up Nicole! Thank you for making me laugh again at a time when I never thought life could be good again. You made me enjoy life again.

Thank you to my sister in law Gretchen who helped me by just being there when I needed someone. Who helped me not feel so alone by gardening or just sitting talking.

 Thank you to my amazing family that never allows me to push them away when I need them the most. Who always answers my calls for help. I couldn't have done anything without you guys!

 Final thanks to my beautiful kids for making me see what life is really about. For giving my life so much purpose and happiness. To my husband that has loved me at my absolute worst. Thank you for the tough love when I need it and not allowing me to wallow in my depression. For showing me how valued and important I am to you guys. For making me laugh even in the darkest times. For being my safe place to show all my flaws and you still love me! I love you all so much.

Raising 3 daughters to know true beauty!

    I have been on a long road with my own body image and God has really been showing me how I want to raise up my girls to view their own bodies. I'm sharing this in hopes that this helps someone and something for my daughter's to read one day when they are mom's themselves. 

    When I grew up I heard that I was a pretty girl all the time, when I got older boys would tell me I was pretty or hot. I learned to get my confidence and self worth from being a "pretty girl." I remember in middle school a boy told me I was nothing more than a pretty face and a nice body. That statement stayed with me and I believed that lie. Eventually I grew up, got married, and got pregnant. My body changed and I put on a lot of weight. No one came up to me to tell me I was pretty anymore. I lost all my self esteem and felt like I wasn't worthy of my husband. I held back from making friends. If I didn't have good looks to bring to the table what could I offer anyone? 

     It's been a long process, but God has shown me that I am so much more than I let myself believe. If all my beauty was taken away I still had a lot to bring to my relationships. I have self worth that has nothing to do with the way I look now.

    Now I am raising 3 girls that are growing up in a world with unrealistic body expectations every where. A world that says what you look like is all that matters. A world that constantly shames woman for being too fat, too skinny, too weak, too strong, too tan, too pale, too young, too old, ect. 

I know that my girls will follow my footsteps not my words so I need to walk the talk if I want them to. If I am constantly criticizing my body, they will do the same. I try my hardest to look at my body the way I want them to look at their own bodies. Not that I don't still have weak days where I pick at myself and think of all the things I'd like to change, but I always remind myself of how I'd want my girls to think and feel.

Here is what I am doing or working towards.

1. I show my daughter's my body in all of its unedited and imperfect glory. They see me naked and I think that's important, because I want them to know what a real woman's body looks like. They are flooded with images of photo shopped women with unrealistic bodies. I have given life to 4 human beings! I have battle scars to prove it. Stretch marks and cellulite. I have fat and my boobs aren't what they were at 18. I show them it all. I'm not doing naked Tuesday's or anything, but I'll let them see me get out of the shower and I won't try to hide if they walk in on me changing. One day they will most likely get pregnant and have a baby. I never want them to feel like there is something wrong with their bodies and their own battle scars!

2. I try to eat healthy and I try to live an active life. I talk to them about what foods are healthy and what foods aren't. I never tell them I'm on a diet. I will say "I'm working on eating healthier or I'm watching my portion control." I talk to them about having everything in moderation. Sugar isn't good for our bodies, but having a cookie every now and then is okay! We talk about how important it is to workout and be active. I'm careful to never say I'm working to be "skinny" but instead that I want to be strong and healthy! I've talked to them about how it isn't healthy to eat too much food and have too much fat on your body. Also we talk about how it isn't healthy to not eat enough of the right foods and that being too skinny isn't healthy either. We talk about how God made us these amazing bodies and how we need to treat them right. 

3. I got on the scale the other day and it was not what I wanted to see. I'd put on some weight recently. In the moment I wanted to shame myself for gaining the weight and when I looked in the mirror I wanted to rip myself apart for all the things I didn't like. But I stopped myself and thought about what I would think if one of my daughter's had over indulged and gained some weight as an adult. How I would treat my sister or friend if they had gone through a tough time and had some extra fat to show for it. I would NEVER shame them and I would NEVER look down on them for being human and maybe over enjoying the sweets for a while. Why don't we give ourselves the Grace we would give anyone else? Women gain weight sometimes. They can get stretch marks, cellulite, pimples, wrinkles, moles, their boobs can sag, and all other kinds of things we can look down on. Those things are normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I refuse to feel bad for my stretch marks. I gave life to 4 HUMAN BEINGS!!! I am getting wrinkles, because I have been gaining wisdom. I have moles, but my daughter tells me they are beauty marks. My legs have cellulite, but they are strong.

4. The other day my 5 year old daughter told me "mom you're really fat!" Her two big sister's gave her a very long lecture on not being mean and never telling anyone they are fat. After that I reiterated the importance of never making anyone feel bad about the way that they look. Then I told them the truth. I HAD put some extra fat on my body recently. I'd been sad and had been eating too much junk food. I told them how I planned to be better about eating less junk food and eating more healthy options. That I would continue to be active and work out when I was able. That sometimes people gain weight, but as long as we continue to try to live a healthy life style that it wasn't a big deal. I pray that when they are adults and put on some weight that they remember my own struggles and don't let the negative thoughts get to them. That they are humans and they will have ups and downs. I never want them to strive for a perfection that simply does not exist!

5. I avoid telling them too often that they are pretty, beautiful, or cute. These are easy compliments to give, but I want them to know God did such an amazing job when he created them! He gave them so many great qualities! My oldest Tegan has the biggest heart and has an amazing ability to empathize with those around her. She is kind to everyone. She is super smart with the best memory. She's cautious and that keeps her out of trouble. She's thoughtful and always thinking of others. She's always helping me with her siblings and will make the most amazing mother one day. Jayden is one of the funniest people I know. She has been making her family laugh since she was born. She's a bit of a drama queen, but it makes her a natural on stage where she just sparkles! She's super creative with the biggest imagination. She is fearless and always on some kind of an adventure. She is loyal and would never betray a friend. Rylee is my spitfire. She is very determined and nothing can stand in her way. She knows what she wants and she will figure out how to get it. She is brave and nothing seems to scare her. She is independent and likes to figure life out mostly on her own. She can be very sassy, but she can also be one of the sweetest people. She has this amazing ability to brighten peoples day. She is the first to give people compliments telling them they are beautiful or she likes their hair or clothes. 

     God made them each so amazing and what a shame it would be if they ever lost sight of how much more they are than just pretty girls. I still tell them they are beautiful, because they are. I just try my hardest to tell them about all the other stuff they are too! 

      I know its cliche, but being beautiful on the inside is more important than being beautiful on the outside. I hope this helped someone and I really hope my wonderful girls can grow up knowing their self worth and not losing it over superficial things.

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." 

Psalms 31:30